The Child Behind the Marks

            When Does Encouragement Become Pressure?

People are often forced by others to follow certain rituals or traditions, or they are sometimes given false hope that makes them believe they have no choice but to follow what others expect from them. In the same way, we can see a similar kind of pressure within families today.

Parents often forget to ask their children a simple question: “Are you really doing okay?”

Parents will definitely worry about their children's future. They want their children to have a bright and successful life, and they want them to achieve things that perhaps they could not achieve themselves. There is nothing wrong with wanting the best for your child. But sometimes, while trying to build their child's future, parents forget to understand what their child is actually going through in the present.

They may tell their children, “Make your own life. Learn from your experiences. Take good advice and become successful.” But at the same time, they may unknowingly put pressure on them to live according to their expectations.

For example, imagine a family with three children. The eldest child does not score very well in examinations and usually gets average or low marks. The parents then look at the second child and say, “Your elder sibling didn't score well, but we have faith in you. You will definitely score higher.”

The pressure has now moved from one child to another.

The child may not even realize when encouragement has slowly turned into pressure. The parents may not have any bad intentions. They may simply want their child to have a better future. But their expectations can become heavier when they constantly compare their child with others.

Sometimes, parents also worry about their respect in front of neighbors and relatives. They may think, “My son scores well in examinations and always comes first in the class.” When their own child does not achieve the same results, they may wonder, “Why is my child not getting first rank?”

But the important question is: Are parents really worried about their child's future, or are they also worried about how their child makes them look in front of others?

A child's success should not become a way for parents to gain respect from neighbors and relatives.

The Child's Perspective

From a child's perspective, parents can sometimes feel like the people who create the pressure to study harder and score higher marks. There are children who genuinely struggle with academics, while others may have talents in sports, music, art, writing, technology, or many other fields.

However, society often creates a stereotype that scoring high marks is the main definition of success.

When one child scores well, the expectation is often placed on another child too.

A parent might say, “Your brother scored so well. You should also score like him.”

Or they may say, “Our neighbor's daughter is doing so well. Why can't you do the same?”

These comparisons may seem small to the person saying them, but they can become a heavy burden for the child who hears them repeatedly.

Will High Marks Really Satisfy Them?

                                       This is the question I keep asking myself.

Suppose a child finally scores high marks in an examination. The parents appreciate them and feel proud. But what happens after that?

Will the pressure end?

Often, it does not.

If the child scores well in one examination, the next expectation may become even higher. If they score 90, the expectation becomes 95. If they score 95, the expectation becomes 100. And if they achieve 100, there may still be another comparison waiting. So, will high marks really satisfy them?

In my personal experience, I feel that sometimes the answer is no. Even when a child achieves what was expected, the focus can quickly shift towards the next achievement. Instead of saying, “You did well, and we are proud of you,” the child may hear, “What will you do next?”

The child continues carrying the pressure to prove themselves.

Why Do Parents Expect So Much?

                                                        There are many reasons.

The first and perhaps the most understandable reason is that parents want their children to have a bright future. They believe that good marks will provide better opportunities and help their children become successful.

But there is also a common belief that high marks automatically lead to success. That is not always true.

A child may not be academically excellent but may have extraordinary talent in sports, arts, music, writing, communication, business, technology, or another field. If parents only measure their child's ability through examination marks, they may fail to notice the talent standing right in front of them.

Another reason is social respect.

           Some parents feel proud when they can tell their relatives or neighbors that their child scored high marks or achieved a good rank. They may feel that their child's achievement increases their own respect in society. But a child's education should not become a competition between parents.

When Love Becomes Expectation

                    Parents love their children deeply. They sacrifice many things for them and want to protect them from difficulties. They do not necessarily intend to hurt their children or make their lives difficult.

But sometimes, love itself can become expectation.

Parents may think, “I struggled so much in my life. I don't want my child to face the same struggles.”

So they try to create a better life for their children.

But in doing so, they may sometimes create a life filled with expectations rather than choices.

The child may begin to feel that their parents' dreams are becoming their responsibility. And when they cannot fulfil those dreams, they may feel guilty.

How Can the Pressure End?

                                              Yes, I believe it can end.

But the only way is to speak with children and understand their lives. Parents should ask their children what they want, what they enjoy, what they are struggling with, and what kind of future they imagine for themselves.

At the same time, children should also try to explain to their parents how difficult the pressure feels. Instead of silently carrying everything, they can try to communicate their feelings and help their parents understand their situation.

Parents can encourage their children without comparing them. They can guide them without controlling them.

They can expect them to work hard without making them feel that their worth depends on their marks.

And most importantly, they can remind their children that one examination cannot decide the value of an entire life. A child does not always need someone to push them harder. Sometimes, they simply need someone to sit beside them and say:

“I know you are trying. I am proud of you. Whatever happens, we will figure it out together.”

Because education should build a child's future—not break their present.

And perhaps the real meaning of being a good parent is not to create a child who achieves everything, but to raise a child who can confidently say:

                           “This is my life, and I know how to live it.”

                                                                                                   - by SIBA