Un filtered Me

                          Unveiled Desires

The things that have happened in my life feel so unbelievable and unpredictable. I really don’t know—at some point, we are all going to die, yet I still feel like a kid. I used to think I knew everything and that everyone loved me. It feels like a dream that I’m doing my UG degree.

Sometimes I just want to escape from all this mess. If I had been born a boy, maybe I would have had the chance to do everything the way I wished. I often find myself asking: Why was I born as a girl? Why don’t I get the same privileges as my brother?

Who was the reason for stopping me from attaining my desires? Society? I don’t want to blame anyone—it’s all my fault. Maybe if I had made my decisions more strongly, things would have been different. I don’t regret my choices, but I do feel jealous of boys. They get to satisfy and attain their desires, wear their favorite clothes, go wherever they wish, and speak freely about whatever they need.

I just want to do photography, editing, writing, poetry, content creation, and exploring. But none of these have happened in my life. I don’t know what the reason is. No one has ever forced me not to follow my wishes, but I have a family, and I want to make sure they are settled. I want a secure job to support them.

Maybe I never told anyone about these desires or passions of mine. I want to do all this, but because of society and my family situation, I’ve stayed silent. If I were to share these dreams, they might say it’s not suitable for our family. Sometimes, I really wish I could go back to my past life and change everything. 

Often, I wonder why I chose this path. If I had done even one of the things I loved as my profession, maybe things would be different. Sometimes I get angry at myself, and it leads to overthinking. In my personal life, no one has ever given me priority. I really felt worthless. Why do I look like this? Why do I speak like this? Why am I afraid of public speaking—when deep down, I know how to speak and what to speak?

Sometimes my friends say, “Oh, you know that? How? How did you gain this kind of knowledge?” But because of my insecurities, I never want to come forward or speak up. Yet I love to talk. I love to tell stories. I love to explain topics. But nothing is happening, and it’s all my fault. I grew up full of insecurities, teasing, and being unrecognized.

I really lived my life for others, not for myself. Maybe everyone has insecurities, but I don’t know whom to tell or where to share mine. That’s why I decided to write this. Maybe this blog won’t be liked by many of you, but this is my life. I just want to live it as I wish.

I have anger issues—no tolerance in my life. The people I love the most often hate my anger, and I hate it too. My anger has made me lose people. Sometimes, I even lost the trust of friendships. But when I receive true kindness or tenderness from my friends, I consider them the most important people in my life. Unfortunately, people don’t think the same way as I do.

My possessiveness over my favorite people has also made me lose them. I really lost many because I thought of them as my “very, very important ones”—but still, they left

Finally, I’m sorry if this blog brought some sadness after reading it. But anyway, what has happened has already happened. Concentrate and live—love what you have. There are no other options, right? I may wish to change, but I won’t, because I have these so-called responsibilities.

Some may ask, “If you know you have responsibilities and need to sacrifice your desires, then why are you saying all this?” Honestly, I don’t know.

                                                              - me